


Eligible

by MyOwnSuperintendent



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Gen, Pre-X-Files Revival, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 07:59:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14996384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyOwnSuperintendent/pseuds/MyOwnSuperintendent
Summary: Charlie tries to help his sister out during her break-up.  Set between IWTB and the revival.





	Eligible

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own The X-Files or anything related to it. Hope you enjoy!

“A fat sucker?”

“You heard me.”

“Yeah, that’s not a real thing,” Charlie says, shaking his head.  “How much have you had to drink?”

“A reasonable amount,” Dana says, tipping the bottle of wine away from him when he tries to check the level.  “And it is a real thing.  I don’t want to get my fat sucked away.  That’s all I need.”

“Well, it’s not like there’s that much to suck,” he says.  He pokes at her arm.  “Eat something,” he says, his voice an imitation of their Aunt Myrtle’s.

“ _You_ eat something,” she says, poking him back.  “You’re only having one slice?”

“My goodness, you look so skinny.”

“Do you not like the food?  There are starving children in China, you know.”  And then she bursts out laughing and he does too.  She looks happier than she has all evening.  That’s something, at least. 

“You could try it, at least,” he says after they’ve stopped laughing.  “You’re dateable.”

“Dateable?” she says.  “What the hell does that mean?  You can’t just be generally dateable.  Dateable by whom?”  She exaggerates the sound of the m— _whommm_ —and he wonders if she’s trying to prove she’s not drunk, even though she’s definitely had more than what she calls a reasonable amount of wine.  It doesn’t matter; it’s not his job to police her, and she can stay here tonight if she needs to.  Adam won’t mind.  “Would you date me?” she asks, twirling her glass between her fingers.

“For so many reasons, the answer to that is no,” he says.  “I don’t know by whom.  People.  Straight single men who aren’t related to you.  What do you think?”

“Ugh, I don’t know,” she says.  She’s stretched out on the couch now, leaning her head on her arms.  “I wouldn’t even know where to start.  How does the whole thing work?”

“I don’t know a lot more than you do,” Charlie says, “but I don’t think it can be that difficult.  You put your picture and some things about you, I guess.  Do you want me to look it up for you?” 

She’s quiet for a minute.  Pours herself another glass.  “Sure, what the hell?” she says.  “Look it up.”

So he does, typing in _dating sites_ on his laptop and clicking on the first one he sees.  “Meet thousands of eligible singles,” he reads.

“Eligible,” Dana snorts, staring into her glass.  “What is this, a dating site or a Jane Austen novel?”

“Make that special connection.”

“Please.”

“And it’s all for free.”

“Well, that part’s good at least,” Dana says.  “Because I’m not going to pay good money to have my fat sucked away, if there are free options.”

“Would you stop talking about that?” Charlie asks.  “It’s an absolutely revolting image.”

“You bet it is.”  She grins at him.  “I’d put that on my dating profile, if I were going to do this.  That I have a revolting story for every occasion.”

“Maybe some guys are into that,” Charlie says.

“Ugh,” Dana says.  “Probably.”  She puts her glass down on the table and waves an arm at him grandly.  “You may proceed.”

“Well, there’s a bunch of questions to answer about yourself,” Charlie says.  “You want to hear some of them?”

“Sure.”

“They’re more like statements, really,” he says, scanning the page.  “That you have to complete.  I am…”

“You are what?” she asks, a little too loudly.

“That’s the statement.”

“I am…”  She thinks for a minute.  “A doctor.  With a revolting story for every occasion.”

“I couldn’t live without…”

“A brother who lets me drink his wine.”

“Aw,” Charlie says.  “I’m touched.”

“Yeah, well, don’t let it go to your head,” she says, but she’s smiling.

 “I’m really good at…”

“Autopsies.  Blow jobs.”

Charlie gives her a look.  “That’s what you’d want on your dating profile.”

“Sure,” she says.  “It’s true.  I’m great at both those things.”

“Well, that’s more information than I needed.”

“You’re just jealous,” Dana says.  “You wish you were as good at those things as I am.”

“No, I don’t,” Charlie says.  “I don’t need to be good at autopsies.  And as for blow jobs, I have no reason to be jealous of you, not that it’s any of your business.”

“Just jealous,” she repeats in a sing-song voice, and Charlie rolls his eyes and turns back to the screen.

“My best quality is…”

“That I’m too short to block anyone’s view at the movies.”  She starts giggling to herself.

“I get the feeling you’re not taking this seriously,” he says.

“You would be right.”  She takes a big gulp of wine to finish the glass and then waves both arms in a very grand gesture indeed.  “But go on, go on.”

“In a partner, I’m looking for…”

She doesn’t answer right away, and he’s almost about to repeat the question.  But then she speaks.  “Nothing right now, I guess,” she says, and her voice is so quiet, so small, and he wishes there were actually something he could do to fix this for her. 

“Hey, Dana,” he says gently, moving to sit next to her on the couch.  “If you…”

“Don’t you feel sorry for me,” she says, her voice loud and harsh now.  “Don’t you do it, Charlie, or I’m going right…right home.”

“Okay,” Charlie says.  “I won’t, then.”  He looks into the wine bottle; it’s empty.  “You want something to eat?” 

“Yeah,” she says.  “You have anything chocolate?”

“There’s a box of Oreos,” he says.  “I’ll get it.” 

When he’s getting up from the couch, she grabs his arm.  “Charlie,” she says.  “Is it going to get easier?”  And when he takes a moment to figure out what she’s asking, she adds, “All this.  Leaving and…all this.  Tell me.”

He doesn’t know how to answer her, really; he doesn’t think their situations are analogous.  When he left Mary, it was to be with Adam, and while it was far from easy, at least he knew he was going to something.  He knew that he couldn’t live a lie anymore.  The way he was living was unsustainable.  In that broader sense, maybe their situations do have something in common.

“Yeah,” he says.  “It’ll get easier, Dana.”  Because for him, at least, it’s true, and besides, what else is he going to say?  Is he going to look his sister in the face and tell her she’s going to spend the rest of her life sitting sadly on his couch?  He knows that isn’t true, isn’t her.  “Because you’re tough as nails.”

Her smile is a sad one.  “Yeah.”

He squeezes her shoulders quickly, then retreats when she gives him a look.  “That’s not me feeling sorry for you.  I’ll get the Oreos.”

When he brings them back into the living room, she’s still sitting on the couch, staring at nothing.  He hands her the box.  “Thanks,” she says.  “I’ll sleep here tonight, if that’s okay.  I don’t think I should drive.”

“You don’t think?” he asks, and she laughs weakly.  “It’s no problem.  You can have Mike’s room.”

“Okay,” she says.  She takes an Oreo and opens it, licks out the filling intently.  “It’s just…it sucks, you know?  It really sucks, Charlie.”

“I know it does, Dana,” he says.  She’s eating one of the cookies now, bite by slow bite, and they don’t say anything more. 


End file.
